Feels.

It was in that moment when I smiled at the thought of being laid to rest in the Earth’s embrace that made me realize, I was probably depressed. The realization of peacefully surrendering to the void with little regard for the impact on others, hit me hard.

While I wouldn’t characterize myself as sad, there’s an undeniable sense of emptiness that fills my life. Most days, I find myself coasting along in a state of robotic contentment, adhering to the familiar rhythms of daily life.

I’m not fond of routines, change is necessary.

My routine is simple yet tedious: wake up, go to work, and return home to a solitary evening of leisure (laying on the couch). The weekends provide little relief from this pattern often leaving me feeling adrift and unfulfilled. With my social circle largely comprising family members, it’s often challenging to find activities to fill the time, as everyone is occupied with their own commitments.

I’ve never been one for socializing outside of work or home anyway. Whether it’s social anxiety or a genuine disinterest in mundane small talk, I struggle to engage with others on a meaningful level. Despite my efforts to participate in conversations and group settings, I often find myself disconnected, lost in my own thoughts, or feeling unheard. I get tired. It’s like I have to strain my voice to get a word in and repeating myself at that, is tiring.

As I wrestle with the challenges of social interaction and feeling disconnected from those around me, I often find myself contemplating the larger dynamics of society.

Do you ever feel like everything around you seems unreal? Sometimes, I find myself questioning the attitudes and behaviors of society. From how we’re expected to act to the things we should and shouldn’t do, it all feels a bit strange. The idea of supporting something without truly understanding it, or advocating for a cause without genuine commitment, leaves me feeling disheartened. It’s as if people are only passionate about certain issues when tragedy strikes, and then quickly move on with their lives. This superficial display of caring strikes me as insincere, and I can’t help but feel disillusioned by it. At times, it feels like humanity is on a downward spiral., it’s one big joke _{well to me at least.} Humanity is doomed.

But…

The world is interesting and it’s beautiful. The planet is fascinating. When you really sit there and pay attention, Earth is pure. Despite my reservations about human behavior, I can’t help but appreciate the pure simplicity of nature. Whether it’s the majestic trees, the serene grasslands, or the soothing sounds of wildlife, there’s a purity to nature that is often overlooked in today’s digital age.^{Everyone is glued to their phone these days.} It’s a reminder of the inherent beauty of our planet, and the importance of connecting with the world around us.

_Sidenote: I’ve realized the detrimental effects of excessive social media use. As a teenager, I was immersed in the online world, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to understand its destructive nature. Now, I find myself questioning the purpose of posting on social media. Who am I trying to impress? What am I hoping to gain from it? The constant barrage of information and the pressure to stay connected can be overwhelming. Sometimes, I wonder if I’d be happier living in a place where media consumption isn’t so widespread.

Maybe I’m just searching for answers.

^{Hoping for a better tomorrow.}

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.”

Epictetus