Mom.

It’s a constant battle in my head when night falls.

For some reason, any time I find myself wanting to sleep, I end up thinking about the things that I could have done differently. I try to convince myself that what’s done is done and these events are in the past, that I’ve learned from it but, the feelings associated with these thoughts, eat away at me. I get really frustrated because at night I’d like to sleep. I’d like to finally close my eyes, relax, drift away into my dream land and wake up the next day feeling revitalized.

Tonight I think about how I’ve treated my mom, I haven’t always been good to her even though I want to believe that everything I ever felt was because of the way I grew up. The lack of attention, name calling, her shooting down my confidence level, making me believe I wasn’t good enough for something or that I’d have to try harder, constantly making me think about how others viewed me. A part of me wants to say that was why I treated her the way I did.

Although these things happened, I have to remember no matter what she always wanted to be a part of my life and make memories with her children. She had her ways of doing things and of course as a child, that’s not how I saw it. Her intentions were good and pure but the way she applied her teachings, it never sat right with me. Sometimes I think the anxiety I feel, the nervousness and bitterness I feel is how she felt for a very long time and her outlet was her children. Though that may be true, she had good intentions. She just wanted to be proud.

Tonight the thoughts of me mistreating her and putting her through misery during my teenage life is eating away at me. My mother is a good woman and I’m proud of her. I applaud her strength to keep it together, I value her work ethics, I honor her today. Even when I put her down, she never lost her love for me.

I think about the time I had a school picnic, it was a family picnic, the parents had to share lunch together with their kids and she came. I was embarrassed and didn’t spend any time with her. It bothers me still because I wish I could go back and spend every single minute with her talking and eating together. She’s not gone but it feels like that moment was supposed to be special and I didn’t make it special for her. When I wanted to change schools, she walked through the coldest winter day getting me applications and I never appreciated her for that. I argued with her and never said thank you. High-school and a bit after that, when she didn’t want me galvanting and being an imbecile, I fought with her thinking that I was always right and she was always wrong, that haunts me to this day.

As I lay here, wiping tears off my face, I regret how poorly I treated my mom because she’s the only woman in my life that will love me even when I don’t feel like I love myself. There’s a lot I wish I could change and trust me, if I could turn back time, I would thank her everyday, I would hug her everyday, I wouldn’t have shunned her and make her feel less than. I wouldn’t have allowed her to shed a tear but I can’t go back and do that. All I could do is love her now and everyday after that. Hug her now and appreciate her for what she does. Accept her flaws and love her unconditionally. A mothers love is sacred.

I try harder these days to be around and cherish her existence. It’s hard to break out of bad habits because sometimes it does happen without realizing it. But with that, I have to remember that nights like these, get harder when the thought suddenly appears. My mom is a beautiful woman, she’s powerful, she’s funny, she’s extremely loving and she gives when she can. She accepts everyone and wants to see everyone be taken care of. She has her own ways of dealing with situations and it may not be ideal but she’s doing her best. I will continue to do what I can to help her, to appreciate her and be grateful for her and what she does for me. I love my mom.

Tonight I give thanks to the woman who gave life to me and stood by my side through the misery and pain. I’m grateful for her being.

❤